Do We Talk Openly About Money in Our Relationships?

Some issues in family law may appear purely legal at first glance, yet in reality they touch on much deeper questions – dignity, trust, independence and the balance of power within a relationship. Money in a marriage is one of them.

Consider a common situation. One spouse temporarily stops working in order to raise the children. Or works fewer hours because someone still needs to collect a child from kindergarten, stay at home when the child is ill, arrange medical appointments and take care of the household and everyday family life.

The family lives primarily on the other spouse’s income.

This gives rise to an uncomfortable but very real question: should the spouse who is not earning an income have to ask for money for their own needs? For shoes, a haircut, an evening with friends or simply everyday expenses? Should they have to explain what the money will be spent on?

From a legal perspective, the underlying principle is relatively clear.

Unless the spouses have agreed on a different matrimonial property regime, for example through a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement, income received during the marriage will in many cases form part of the spouses’ joint property. This includes, among other things, income from employment or intellectual activity and dividends, subject to the exceptions established by law.

In other words, the fact that income is paid into one spouse’s bank account does not necessarily make it that spouse’s “personal money”. Under the statutory matrimonial property regime, such income may legally belong to both spouses.

In practice, however, family finances rarely operate exactly as they are described in the Civil Code.

Many couples do not discuss money at all. Not because there is nothing to discuss, but because it is an uncomfortable subject.

In some families, one spouse pays the housing costs while the other covers smaller day-to-day expenses. In others, one person effectively controls all household finances while the other simply adapts to an arrangement that has gradually become the norm.

As long as the relationship is stable, such a system may appear entirely unproblematic. Once the relationship begins to deteriorate, however, money can quickly become one of the first sources of conflict.

This is also where another sensitive issue may emerge: financial control.

In practice, there are families in which one spouse has all the financial information and effective access to the money, while the other receives only what the first spouse decides to provide at any given time.

For years, this may appear to be a convenient or entirely natural arrangement. Once conflict begins, however, it can very quickly become a question of power.

Although such situations can legally affect either spouse, in practice they more frequently affect women. Statistically, women are more likely to take career breaks to care for children, to work in lower-paid positions or to spend a period of time without their own income. Financial dependence within a family therefore often has a very real gender dimension as well.

When a relationship is healthy, it may seem irrelevant whose salary provides most of the household income or who manages the family finances.

The significance of that arrangement can change almost overnight when conflict arises.

One person may have full access to the money, know where every account and saving is held and understand the family’s complete financial position, while the other may not even know how much money the family actually has.

At that point, income that is legally shared can become psychologically perceived as someone else’s money – money that one person appears to have to ask for and the other appears entitled to give or withhold.

This is precisely why financial independence within a relationship is not merely a matter of comfort. It is also a matter of security.

Even in a strong and healthy relationship, it is worth asking yourself a few practical questions.

Do I know what our household income is? Do I know where our savings are held? Do I understand our financial obligations? Do I have genuine access to funds? If necessary, would I be able to support myself and the children independently?

When everything is going well, such questions may seem excessively practical or even uncomfortable. During a crisis, they can become fundamental.

This becomes particularly evident in divorce proceedings.

If one spouse has always lived on the other spouse’s income, has no financial reserve of their own and does not have funds they can freely access, they may find themselves in a significantly weaker practical position once a dispute begins.

One spouse has the resources to pay lawyers and litigation costs. The other may theoretically have rights to joint property but, in practical terms, may not have the funds required to protect and enforce those rights.

Talking about money in a family should therefore not be viewed as a sign of mistrust.

Quite the opposite – it can be a sign of maturity.

Not because every couple should prepare for divorce, but because people who are able to discuss finances openly generally have a clearer understanding of each other’s expectations, responsibilities and boundaries.

A few relatively simple principles can help avoid some of the most serious misunderstandings:

both spouses should understand the family’s income, savings and financial obligations;
both should have meaningful access to financial information;
it is worth agreeing which part of the household income is intended for shared expenses and which part is available for individual needs;
even where one spouse temporarily has no income of their own, financial independence should be understood as a matter of security rather than mistrust.

Ultimately, money in a family is rarely only about money.

More often, it is about respect, decision-making and whether both people in the relationship genuinely feel that they are equal partners.

The legal starting point is relatively clear: under the statutory joint property regime, income received during the marriage does not simply become something that one spouse has the discretion to grant to the other.

Everything beyond that – how couples agree to manage their finances and whether both people feel financially secure within the relationship – depends not only on the law, but also on the maturity of the relationship.