High-conflict divorce: why detailed child contact arrangements matter
In divorce proceedings, we often hear the phrase: “Parents should be able to agree between themselves.”
In principle, this is the right direction. A child usually benefits when parents can cooperate and respond flexibly to their needs. However, in high-conflict divorces, this well-intentioned assumption often does not reflect reality.
Where parents are driven by a constant need to prove that they are right, broad child contact arrangements do not create freedom. They create space for further conflict.
In such circumstances, phrases such as “by prior agreement”, “as agreed between the parents”, “at a reasonable time”, “where possible” or “taking the child’s wishes into account” may appear peaceful on paper. In practice, they often become a source of new disputes. Every undefined term can be interpreted differently in a high-conflict situation. The same applies to “flexible” provisions for holidays, travel, illness, extracurricular activities or special occasions. Flexibility is valuable only where there is a safe foundation for it. Without one, it can become a means of continually testing the other parent’s boundaries.
In high-conflict cases, uncertainty always has a cost – and it is usually the child who bears it. This is why a detailed child contact arrangement for the parent living separately is not a mere formality.
In these cases, contact arrangements should be drafted not for the best-case scenario, but for the most realistic one. They should address what happens when parents cannot agree: the greater the conflict, the fewer grey areas the arrangement should contain.
A detailed arrangement should clearly set out:
the days and times the child spends with each parent;
where and how the child is handed over;
who is responsible for collection and return;
what happens in the event of a delay;
how missed contact time is made up;
how public holidays, birthdays, school holidays, summer breaks, travel, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are organised;
how telephone or video calls take place;
which communication channel the parents use and how quickly they are expected to respond;
which decisions require both parents’ agreement and which may be made independently by each parent during their time with the child.
This may sound technical. Yet, in high-conflict cases, it is precisely these practical details that can protect a child from emotional chaos and prevent parents from using uncertainty to manipulate the situation.
In high-conflict cases, effective co-parenting is not always a realistic expectation. A more workable solution may be a parallel parenting model, which preserves the child’s relationship with both parents while reducing the need for conflict-prone contact between them.
It is also valuable to establish communication rules. For example, parents may communicate in writing, only on matters concerning the child, without accusations or personal remarks, and in a brief, informative and neutral manner.
A child’s stability should not depend on whether their parents are able to communicate effectively this week. If you are dealing with complex divorce or child contact arrangement issues, please contact family law attorney Gabrielė Šinkonė at info@prevence.legal.
